So Sue Me
by jiaren-shadow
Summary: Mary Sues have invaded Port Royal, and it's up to Elizabeth Swann to stop them from killing her off or stealing Will away from her. Some AU elements, meant to be a satirical piece.
1. Meet the Turners

So Sue Me

Lucille Worthington was perfect in every way, or at least, that's what most men said about her. Her eyes were a bewitching bright blue, like the sky on a clear day. Her hair was never out of place and a glossy golden blond. Nary a blemish marred her perfect pale skin, which was impervious to the Jamaican sun. She was perfect. And that was precisely why Elizabeth Swann hated her.

_"All of a sudden this golden-haired BINT comes waltzing into Port Royal. Who is she? What the devil is she doing here?"_ thought Elizabeth. She bit her lip, reminding herself not to even mentally use such language, at least not in Port Royal. As she and Will strolled hand-in-hand, Elizabeth felt a nagging notion that Lucille could read her mind. It was quite possible that she could.

"Will?" Elizabeth turned to her fiancé. "Will?" It was just as she feared. Will had caught sight of Lucille. All the symptoms were present: slack jaw; unblinking, lustful eyes; drooling; and general loss of any shred of logical thought. What was in Lucille that turned men into blithering fools? Elizabeth shook her head. She herself had been on a whole shipload full of men, but she was not to blame for their being blithering fools. Come to think of it, neither was Lucille.

Will grew more lovesick by the second as Lucille approached. "Will, have some manners," Elizabeth whispered, nudging him.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Turner, Miss Swann," Lucille said, sweeping into a perfect curtsy. Elizabeth mustered up everything that she had learned at that infernal finishing school to return the gesture perfectly. Will nodded, most likely afraid that bowing would compromise his ability to continue looking at the beautiful creature standing before him.

"Good afternoon, Miss Worthington," Elizabeth replied. Will sputtered out a "good afternoon" with about as much articulation as Jack Sparrow in a rum factory. Lucille smiled coyly at the dribbling idiot that had once been William Turner and took her leave.

_"God, I hate her," _thought Elizabeth as she led her fiancé back home. She was lost in thought the whole way back. Ever since she and Will had gotten engaged, a whole slew of attractive girls had been cropping up in Port Royal. A few ended up as conquests of Jack Sparrow (and, subsequently, stories that remained strictly between Will, Jack, and Gibbs), a few went off to Tortuga and were never seen again, and still more were making eyes at Will at every conceivable moment. Lucille happened to be the most successful.

Elizabeth found all of this mind-boggling. Maybe there was a new colony to be settled, and women were coming to find work as servants or hoping to find husbands here at Port Royal. Why these women were all set on Will was a mystery to her. Perhaps because he looked enough like a sailor that they considered him fair game. Elizabeth's head ached from all of this. She would solve the mystery of these ladies before it was too late for her and Will. And she knew just who to go to.

A/N: Chapter 2 will be posted as soon as humanly possible, meaning probably sometime next week. Real Life can be positively evil sometimes.


	2. You Don't Know Jack

Elizabeth tried to look as normal as possible as she headed down to the docks in her finery. She uncomfortably squeezed through the crowds of people, apologizing as her heavy skirts collided with them. Elizabeth finally spotted the man who could solve the mystery of Lucille and all the other ladies in Port Royal.

"Mr. Sparrow!" she called out. As she turned around to wave to Jack, her wide skirts knocked into the water a guard who was a few seconds away from noticing a pirate in his midst. "Oh! Terribly sorry," said Elizabeth. The guard plucked the seaweed from his uniform and waded back to shore, out of earshot.

"Ah, Miss Swann. What circumstances bring you to me?" Good. He seemed sober enough to help her make a good decision. "Is it Will? Did you find out about—"

"No, and I don't have the slightest idea what I would find out, Jack," Jack made a snipping motion. "For the last time, Jack. Will is not a…" Elizabeth trailed off, afraid that Lucille might hear her say something so uncouth.

"Keep telling yourself that," said Jack. "Anyway, on to business. Do you have any idea why so many ladies are suddenly showing up around here?" Elizabeth asked. _I hope he hurries with this answer_, Elizabeth thought. _I can hardly breathe in this bloody corset. I bet Lucille can breathe in hers. I bet she sleeps in hers so that she can't get fat during the night. _

"You've stumped me there," Jack finally replied. Blast! Elizabeth could barely retain her frustration. Even still, she knew that all she had to do was buy him a bottle of rum, open it for him, and wait. Two bottles might be better.

"Well, then. I'll just have to find out for myself," said Elizabeth. With that, she turned to leave, nearly knocking Sparrow into the water with her huge skirts. Lucille would never do anything like that. Elizabeth sidestepped and apologized her way back to the main road. Suddenly, a speeding carriage emerged from a side road. The coachman wildly tugged the reins, further enraging the horses. And who was in the carriage but Lucille, who was in the process of delicately fainting.

Elizabeth froze in her tracks. It was coming right towards her! Quickly, she jumped out of the way as the carriage came to a dusty, jolting stop right where Elizabeth had just been standing. "Thank God," Elizabeth sighed in relief. Her dress was ruined, but at least she was alive. Lucille emerged from the wrecked carriage.

"Oh dear, Miss Swann! Are you hurt?" Lucille's bright blue eyes were filled with concern. She knelt down in her enormous skirts and obscenely tight corset with aplomb, without knocking anyone over, toppling over, or getting a speck of dust on the ice-blue silk of her gown. Elizabeth subconsciously wiped some dirt off her now filthy dress.

"I'm quite all right, Miss Worthington," said Elizabeth, still breathing heavily from the shock of nearly getting run over.

"You could have been killed! You're very lucky to be alive!" Elizabeth's eyes widened in surprise as Lucille enveloped her in a corset-tight hug. "Thank you for your concern, but I'm quite all right," reiterated Elizabeth. She stood up and headed back home. This was interesting. Very interesting.


	3. Dressed for Success

Elizabeth stormed back into the house, enveloped in a cloud of dirt from her brush with death. She had a hunch that Lucille had planned to flatten her in the street, but she wasn't entirely sure. Either Lucille was genuinely a she-devil as Elizabeth suspected, or this was all an accident and Lucille was simply caught up in it all. Either way, Elizabeth hated her.

Will rushed down the stairs to Elizabeth. "Elizabeth! What happened to you?" he asked.

"Well, on my way back home, Lucille's carriage nearly ran me over," replied Elizabeth.

"Lucille? I'm sure it was an accident. Lucille is far too kind to have ever done that on purpose," said Will. Elizabeth scowled. It was on purpose and she was now sure of it.

"But I am alright," Elizabeth tried to cue her fiancé. He had better not be having an affair with her. _That would really brighten up my day_, thought Elizabeth.

"Thank heavens. You could have been killed! Then what would I do?" Good. He still showed concern. That was a good sign. Elizabeth brushed more dust off her gown and grimaced at the ruined lace. _I'll bet that Lucille never sullies her clothes. I'll bet she has a kind of shield around her that makes her impervious to dirt. If SHE were hit by a carriage, she'd get nary a speck of dust on her. Maybe I should test that theory_, Elizabeth pondered. She usually tried not to think such violent thoughts, but she couldn't help it.

"I'd best get back to work," said Will, turning on his heel. He put a hand on Elizabeth's shoulder. "I love you," he whispered. Even better. Elizabeth hoped he wasn't lying, and futilely tried to clean some dirt off her skirt. She headed upstairs to change out of her filthy clothes. On her way up, she bit her lip upon realizing that her muddy shoes had left tracks everywhere. And the maid was visiting her sick aunt. _Damn that Lucille._

In her bedroom, Elizabeth flung the doors of her armoire open. What would make her look prettier than that witch? And what does one wear while contemplating murdering someone? Taking a hint from Lucille's outfit that afternoon, Elizabeth selected a sky-blue silk gown. _If you can't beat them, join them_, thought Elizabeth as she dressed. It was just like her ordeal with the pirates a year ago. Except Lucille was not as widely known a menace, making her considerably harder to deal with.

All of a sudden, Elizabeth caught sight of an unfamiliar bottle on her nightstand. Tucked between her rosewater and her almond oil was a bottle suspiciously labeled "POISON". "Whoever would, first of all, put a bottle of poison in my room, and, second of all, be daft enough not only to leave it in plain sight but to leave the label on?" Elizabeth asked aloud. Taking a closer look at the bottle, she saw that someone had written "DRINK ME" on the back of the label. _Lucille_. Smoothing out a wrinkle in her blue dress, Elizabeth took the bottle and tucked it in her armoire. She never knew when she might need it again. Especially if she invited Lucille to an intimate dinner party.


	4. An Unexpected Party

_Mr. William Turner and Miss Elizabeth Swann_

_Cordially request the pleasure of your company _

_At a dinner party on Thursday the Twelfth_

_Five o' Clock_

Lucille read the invitation and spun around in glee. So many thoughts were racing through her head. How generous Miss Swann is! I do hope she's alright after that carriage incident! Above all, she thought, _"Whatever shall I wear?"_ With a little help from her maid, Lucille selected a pale pink gown with a neckline low enough to further tantalize Mr. Turner, yet still high enough to avoid embarrassment. Everything would be perfect.

"I ought to call on Miss Swann and thank her for her invitation," said Lucille to no one in particular. After all, her parents had disappeared years ago in a mysterious boating accident, and people were far too jealous of her beauty to befriend her. Lucille shook off the sad memories lest she cry and ruin her recently-applied makeup.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, was quite happy. At long last, she would get rid of Miss Worthington once and for all. And if the poison somehow didn't work, the presence of pirates at the party might cause the "guest of honor" to faint daintily or be driven mad. The thought of either one happening brought a broad grin to Elizabeth's face. She hummed quietly as she puttered in her garden. _Victory will be mine_, thought Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth," called Will. Elizabeth put down her small basket of flowers and ran to him as quickly as she could in a corset, five layers of petticoats, and high heeled shoes. There was something to be said for living the slightly less privileged life of a pirate.

"What is it, darling?" asked Elizabeth.

"About that dinner party," said Will.

"Yes?"

"Well, is Lucille coming?"

"Of course. The party is a bit of a welcome party for her, after all," Elizabeth said, wondering what Will was getting at.

"Yes, well…I was wondering if you could, er, un-invite her." Elizabeth's jaw dropped in a most unladylike fashion. What could possibly make her fiancé say this?

"Why?" Elizabeth asked. "Why would you want to un-invite her?"

Will bit his lip endearingly. Elizabeth loved it when he did that. "Well, she…how do I put this? She asks me strange questions. Just yesterday, she asked me if I would be cross if you ran off with Norrington,"

"And your answer?" Elizabeth prayed he would say yes, that he would say that she would never do something like that (which was the truth).

"Of course I would be cross!" Will's cheeks flushed. "But I also know that you would never do anything like that," said Will.

Elizabeth nodded and quietly breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't completely under Lucille's spell. But she knew that Miss Worthington would have to attend this party, or else Will would be a lost cause. All she had to do was keep an eye on Lucille and make sure that Will would always be far away from that witch.

"Well, you're quite right, but I'm afraid that because the invitations have already been sent and the party is in three days, it's impossible to un-invite Lucille. I'm sorry, Will," Elizabeth gave her husband a light kiss on the cheek.

"Well, I'll just have to deal with her, then. And after facing an army of undead pirates, I'm sure I can face Lucille. How bad can she be?"

_You have no idea how bad_, thought Elizabeth.


	5. Drinks All Around

"Elizabeth! Are you quite ready yet?" Will called from the bottom of the stairs.

"Just a moment," replied Elizabeth. The dinner party was tonight, and Elizabeth couldn't be more nervous. Her lacing her corset as tight as it could go certainly didn't help the shortness of breath brought on by her nervousness. Despite the inability to move without getting winded and the accompanying tunnel vision, Elizabeth managed to get herself into her gown. Patting her enormous coiffure one last time, Elizabeth smiled at what she could see of her reflection in the mirror. _Lucille, you'll rue the day you crossed Elizabeth Swann-soon-to-be-Turner, _she thought.

Will gasped audibly when Elizabeth emerged. She was a vision; a half-blind, wheezing vision, but a vision nonetheless. Elizabeth smiled sweetly at her fiancé, who leaned in and kissed her.

"You look lovely," said Will.

"You really think so?" Elizabeth looked puzzled.

"Of course! You could wear a burlap sack and still be beautiful," Will could not understand why Elizabeth would be so nervous about her looks at an intimate dinner party. _Maybe it's Lucille, _he thought.

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Will turned and opened the door to reveal who other but Jack Sparrow and a "lady friend". Jack smiled at the couple and swaggered in. Elizabeth was too dizzy to sniff the air for that distinct rum smell that meant Jack was drunk.

"Will, Elizabeth, I'd like you to meet---Rock." Jack gestured wildly at his date.

"The name's Sapphire," the date said indignantly. Her eyes, the color of her name, flashed with anger. Jack seemed not to notice.

"Whatever," Jack turned to Will. "So, where's the rum?" Not wanting another episode from Jack (especially after the rum-burning incident on the island with Elizabeth), Will rolled his eyes and pointed to the liquor cabinet.

Elizabeth, meanwhile, no longer had tunnel vision and was now free to size up Sapphire. Elizabeth smiled, knowing that though Sapphire possessed beauty almost as bewitching as Lucille's, this one was firmly under Jack's spell. She hoped that apart from killing Lucille, having a drunken Jack Sparrow laying eyes on her would be enough to be rid of that witch.

Elizabeth jumped as a knock on the door jolted her from deep thought. Will opened the door, and there stood Lucille Worthington, clad in a dress of the pinkest pink. Her golden blond hair was, unconventionally, only half-up, set with luminous pearls. In a word, she was stunning. Will was, in a word, stunned. All semblance of reason he had shown three days before in the garden was gone. He was bewitched. Lucille smiled ever so sweetly. Everything was going as planned.

Elizabeth sized herself up self-consciously. _God, why didn't I do my hair like that? How is she able to breathe in that corset? Is it her plan to kill me by forcing me to asphyxiate myself? _Realizing her bad manners, she immediately swept into a curtsy that she had practiced for two hours. Lucille returned the curtsy.

"It was so generous of you to invite me, Miss Swann," said Lucille.

"We are delighted to have you as our guest, Miss Worthington," said Elizabeth through her teeth. She couldn't wait for the party to be over. She politely took Lucille's arm, and with her free arm, she gestured the dumbstruck Will to follow them to the dining room.

"Lovely party you're having, Turner," slurred Jack, who had already gone through half a bottle of expensive rum. He held up a crystal glass (an heirloom from England), which he promptly dropped on the floor. Elizabeth grimaced as the wildly expensive glass shattered into a million pieces.

Finally, a maid came in to announce that dinner was served. The guests sat down at their seats; Jack next to Will, Sapphire across from Jack, Will across from Elizabeth, and Lucille next to Elizabeth. Another maid carefully laid down on the table a tray of roast fish, while another set down a basket of bread. Elizabeth watched Lucille carefully the whole time. Would fish be too much for Lucille's delicate stomach? Could she fit anything in that obscenely small waist of hers?

"Well," said Jack, breaking the awkward silence. "Well," he said again. Realizing that even he could not break the ice, he took another swig of rum. Finally, Elizabeth spoke up.

"So, Sapphire, are you new to Port Royal?"

"Well, I suppose I am," she said. The other guests looked puzzled. "You see," she continued. "I was taking a vacation in Jamaica, and this mystical rune I found while SCUBA diving…"

_Scuba diving? What on earth is that? _Thought Elizabeth.

"…and so I wound up here. To put it simply, I'm from the 21st century," Sapphire shrugged as the guests' eyes widened.

"And that was without a single drop of rum?" asked Jack.

A/N: Part 2 of the party will be up this weekend. Stay tuned!


End file.
